Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob