Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
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Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I’ve been drinking.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake