Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
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Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?