kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
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freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
We have a winner.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.