Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

No, I don’t think I will.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress