kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
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It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy