Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
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I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
*watches the world burn*
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.