@RodLacroix

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

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@TheBoydP

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

@joeldanger

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

@notacroc

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

@thepunningman

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

@mugkip

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

@VitaeArcanum

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

@_Justin_Stepien

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

@abbycohenwl

Man: Welcome to Mystery Club
Guy: What’s it for?
M: No one’s sure of that
[suddenly Guy’s head gets clubbed]
M: Or when that’ll happen