I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
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God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
What idiot called it a transplant and not re-organ-izing?
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Man: Welcome to Mystery Club
Guy: What’s it for?
M: No one’s sure of that
[suddenly Guy’s head gets clubbed]
M: Or when that’ll happen