I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
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Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Neighbour: if your son doesn’t stop playing drums right now I’ll lose my mind!!
Me: too late…he’s stopped half an hour ago
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!
– RL partying sounds so violent
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
me: hold me while i sleep
Boom! You’re pregnant!
-Me, speed dating
“i never metadata i didn’t like” -NSA
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.