Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

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I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.


Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.



Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this


“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind


WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.


I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old



I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards


JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola



Man: Welcome to Mystery Club
Guy: What’s it for?
M: No one’s sure of that
[suddenly Guy’s head gets clubbed]
M: Or when that’ll happen