Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
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Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“What?”
– Jude
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
#MeanwhileinCanada
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket