Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
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someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…