Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.