Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
You Might Also Like
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Cat.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.