Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Cats (2019)

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*