Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

Warm pools make me nervous.

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?