Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
#Caturday
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.