Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
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If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.