Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.