Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
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Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
My 9yo decided to give me a lil pop quiz on our way to school this morning. She really pumped me up and cheered every time I got it right. Anyway, I accidentally did her math homework
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin