Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
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Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe