Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤔😂😂

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

rich people when they have to pay taxes

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive