Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

c’mon!

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

“Itself”
“Itself”
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“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill