Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together