“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
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my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.