“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
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Good morning.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Sign at work today
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.