Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
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😂 amazing answer
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Oh boy, $150,000!
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.