Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.