Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
You Might Also Like
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish