Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
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WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”