Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
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if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower