Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive
friend: flirting how?
me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.