Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.