Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

I basically called this earlier today

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?