Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no their not

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

ah yes….my favourite videogame

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star

Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.