Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.