Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

How about I get 100% off by already being there

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

*jazz hands*

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it