Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
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*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked