Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

Birds & Planes.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.