Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
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Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
certified hallow’s eve classic
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.