Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
certified hallow’s eve classic
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular