Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
You Might Also Like
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t