Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

problems i need

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.