Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
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[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate