Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

Note to self: always read the final line

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store