Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
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If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office