Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
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My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
New mindset, who dis?
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
even bears disappoint their mothers
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter