[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
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I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.