Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

😊🦆

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.