Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.