Kids forever killing vibes 💀
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FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
tfw you realize …
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
The opposite of Iceland is water water
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Important
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.