Kids forever killing vibes 💀
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Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*