Kids forever killing vibes 💀
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Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Essential oils? You mean WD40?