Kids forever killing vibes 💀
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Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Kids: Stay in school.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.