Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

Choose your fighter

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions