Kids forever killing vibes đź’€
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You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.