KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
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Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to