Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

Proctology is located in A55

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

catch me on valentine’s day like

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow