Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
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boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
monday
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
