Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
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cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
crochet youtube is brutal
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.