“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
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“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Flowers bee like
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.