“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
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Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert