Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
You Might Also Like
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world