Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

ㅤ

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

ok this is my dumbest yet