Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”