“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
The only equipped I am is ill.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco