“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.