“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.