“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
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I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
describing stardew valley
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
#DesignFail
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.