“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
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Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Good morning
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕