Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”![]()
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I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
When I can’t barge, I careen.
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
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Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”