Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.