Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
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don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I’m a bad influence on myself.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.