Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
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[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
◾️
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.