Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
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my friends when i can’t do basic math
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
good let them take over I have had enough
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Fries, not lies.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.