Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
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The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Attacked by a mop.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
God has abandoned us.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]