Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭