Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
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I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
how do y’all walk in shallow water
What’s the point buying it then?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???