Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
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A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go