Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

I was just discussing this with my cat