kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
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Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
This is hilarious
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.